Monthly Archives: July, 2013

what do I want?

What do I want?


Peel it. I say I want lots of money. Of course I do, but why? I don’t buy things, although, I suppose, if I had more money I would buy more things. Then I would have a problem, because I am not happy when I have things. I already have too many things. So, if I got more money, what would the money do.

Money would give me security, but I already have as much security as is possible. I have TriCAre and VA health and I have a pension, and insurance and I have a gym and all the gyms on all the military bases and I have police and Highway Patrol and the best military in the world and fairly good border patrol, really. I have no reason to worry about rapacious disease because the worst slums are already far from me, so I don’t need a gated community.

Money would allow me to travel, and more money would allow me to travel more and I could find more comfort in the ways that I travel. More about this…


Behind this money I sense the need for being exclusive. Travel is easy but I want to travel in style and I want the respect of the elite. This respect is due me in my rank and station, but mostly rank, although few would know how that plays in. As retired I hold a commission from the government that is retired. I am still a Colonel and not so much of a Chaplain that I cleave to the Chaplain title. The title I carry is Colonel. It comes with privileges. I have fancy parking and I get speeded through things, not that I care so much because I have plenty of time. I am also The Reverend. Indeed, because I have held supervisory positions in the church I am The Very Reverend. People call me Pastor, but I am not. It is a bad practice claiming that position. I also have the exclusivity of being an Airborne Ranger. If I were merely Airborne, the elitist place would be arguable, even laughable. But, put the Ranger with it and there is an exclusivity that applies. It represents a hint of unpredictability and a reserved lethality that gun owners only hope to display. So, there are three levels of exclusivity, that of resources, that of status (since we don’t want to speak of class) and that of demonstrated capability.


Money only buys one of these. The other two speak of further wants: The capability of being right, or of wisdom, such that one is both capable and respected, including discernment and far-sightedness; Scope or freedom of action, with its end state of immortality and transcendence; Health, which is merely the latter, reified.


All this is peel, as far as what I want. I would have forsaken all my ambition if I could have had one thing.


That one thing is security. Once I found that I was on my own, that my security was a sham, I began to work for control. Control came hard because I am small and addictive and inattentive and fail at alertness. It was easier once I learned I didn’t have to outrun the bear. It was easier when I learned how weak others were, but I was always a little stupid.


So, I trust. Too much. And I catch myself thinking I can use money to repair the damage that my relations create.


And I reduce my expectations. But not enough.


But, what I really want is security, and I have it, all the time. It is a free gift of God. I just forget.


Since I have this security, why am I so fearful and unhappy? Because I have very low self esteem, because I have let folks walk all over me. Some of my normal reserve is not just discretion, it is fear. Fear of my inability and fear that others will fuck me over. This is a justifiable fear. Because they do.


I also do this to myself, because I do not reach, I do not aspire, I do not claim my place. I am insecure.